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This Christmas does not feel anything like the other 22 I have had so far. Obviously I don't remember the first ten, but that's not the point. Honestly, Christmas has never meant much to me before. My family never celebrates it, we have no want of random presents. The best gatherings with friends are the random ones. We meet up after school or work and exchange random snippets of our lives, not presents. 

Its Christmas, and 2011 is ending. Its been crazy, the last three quarters of this year. My life has always had some consistency in it. Regardless of what happens around me, projects/hall politics/prof's egos/family issues, the 'climate' is consistent. Sure, there's rain and shine, but the last three quarters felt like summer, spring and winter.

FYP was second quarter. We sweltered and slogged and whined about the heat. Following that, was a month of bliss (grad trip!) and two months of nice stable job. The last quarter's been like a hurricane. Events themselves aren't quite as important as the questions the arose thereafter. I feel battered and worn down by questions I cannot answer. After my stint of a first job ended, where short term ambition faded into nothingness. I wanted to explore the road of uncertainty, to know what lies beyond the drawing paper, office walls and client's project brief. 

Freelance, consultancy, in-house projects, personal projects. Ideals vs consumerism, archetype vs innovation, design vs cost, capital. Pragmatism - stable income  vs dreams - uncertain delayed gratification. Its a struggle to standby yesterday's decisions. 

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[Its just another night in B1-17. Pretty classroom to be in, best spot in ADM I would say, with the sunken plaza just beyond the glass door, between me and the toilet. Rough week so far, physically. Intellectually, its almost a holiday. The rare occurence of being physically unwell due to food poisoning aka diarhea and stomach cramps has in fact, given my brain a blissful holiday. ]

I had a sudden urge to log in, and hey presto! Look what I found! A saved draft.. from maybe April? Ah.. FYP.. it already seems quite long ago. This blog is pathetic. All it has are angst thoughts that needed to be bled off somewhere relatively safe.


Ambition is scary. Perhaps what I have is not strong enough to be called ambition. Perhaps all I have is something hovering undecidedly between an ambition and a dream. My belief is erratic. That needs to be fixed. Somehow.

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Facebook is simply NOT the place to 'air' out cos there's SO many pple watching!!
Kai is feeling upset and hammering herself.    RrrrARRRRGH! CUI!!! IN SHIT, WAIST LEVEL. GROSSSSSSSSS.


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Kai is tired. Plain tired.

*sniff sniff. =(


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I was looking through some facebook photos.. and suddenly i felt tired of always seeing the same faces. Urgh.
Me needs a hermit retreat.  

Call me heartless, but I dun understand the fuss over birthdays..

Meme post
i_8_eh_raindrop
Update on my life:
Currently in year 3 Product Design. A course I believe fated to fail.. cos it just seems so airy and unlikely to land anyone in a decent job. Note, I do not know what is 'decent' job. Next goal at hand, sleep by 2am. Current topic of interest, hall life, in other words, reconsidering what the heck I've been spending three-quarters of my time doing. Side note, I accepted the offer of being vp for foc.  -_-'''

yeshhh.. i'm an idiot for accepting vp... blar blar.. but yea.. i guess its a challenge.. an interesting one.. pretty tough.. something i've nv done b4.. nv been involved in prefects, or student council.. blar blar. Now i land myself in hall comm.. garr. brilliant. Maybe I was wiser last time, to simply avoid such EXtra activities.. i mean why not sit back and chill as and when I like? I lOVE bumming around. my fav past time. Damn it. I like to chillax in a corner and watch, observe.  I need this particular dosage of quiet and personal space around me. If it gets way under my usual dosage, perhaps I'll start snappin at pple to F off like a schizoid. You do realise I dun exactly use F on daily basis, so that just goes to show how impt solitude is to me. Leave me alone. Its recharging time for battling life. For completing the race.  LOLz. i'm like that close to being classified schizoid( almost fulfil all the signs in wiki, muahaha ).

Zzzz wadeva. Almost 2am now. Side-note, if you hate someone, dun pretend not to, its just plain irritating. 2- faced pple, they get on my nerve. Anyway, i realised that even the seemingly nicest person, i bet she lies all the time. what the fuck, you hate someone then dun bother giving them anything la! still bother w those 'sweet' lil. notes of nice words. i dun like that. not at all. it jus makes me look at you like just another double faced bitch.

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camp is starting this sun.
i still rather da bao my food and come back up to my room, enjoy my food slowly.. re-watch some old anime epis then eat w them. nothing personal. its jus a feel-like thing. sad? not really. disappointing? yups.
too many individuals.
too many unspoken things. not tt i know of anything much, but its tangible even in the air.

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I tink i hav a tendency to be emo. Its a really useless state to be in. Let's say i'm serious about my 2nd statement, it results in emo abt being emo! Haha =) Hmm. 
Nar.. think i commonly reside in a state of emotion tt's a cousin of emo =). I got it today as I was coming home fr hall. Been there since mon. Lately things hav been kinda 'lined-up' i would say, not nearly busy or hectic but in a sense, back to back. Home seems a different world from hall. Not that its anything special, but going home is like having the past, memories rush back into me as the train does and drown the present. Its not nostalgia, just a lump of rojak. sometimes u feel like eating it, sometimes not.
Yesterday, I was in a similar mood, closer to emo tho. I was thinking of how one of my current policy is to constantly revise my opinions. Ha. It can be confusing. I thought of how I was really angry (hate?) with a person so much but upon hearing tt one of his family member was hospitalized (no idea what it was, but its nothing much apparently) actually accept the very characteristics i abhored. kinda saw gd pts. Why couldn't I do that fr the start? So much easier to be angry, bitch and slander. It actually feels good, bitching sessions with a common enemy..
Was at Can A, strolled there ponderin the pros and cons of alwaes having the 'On 2nd thought..' (humanism?) syndrome, had coffee.. and then there was THE sunset. =) Remember WAH? i tink William Turner.. British guy.. he painted 'the fighting Temaire'.. The sky was mucH more splendid then the painting's.. SO AWESOME.. it was strips and rolls of gold with molten lava concentrated around the semi circle source. too bad i onli had my hp cam. I'm not good enuf w words to do it justice, but it wiped alway all my tots and reminded me of one opinion i'll nv need to revise. God is THE greatest artist ever.


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xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx i dun wanna tink anymore.

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Tomorrow night I'm going back to hall, to make sure I won't be late on Saturday morning for the 'Zoo Job' with omc. I was just staring at the seconds hand of the clock in my living room. Its not like the clock that hiro tries to stop in heroes, its moves smoothly, without the tick-tock kinda movement. Its silver and pretty hypnotising the way it glides round and round so gently. That's really how things are, perfectly joined to one another, one event, action, thought flows to another. Or is it not? It can't be, for then we are not responsible for what we do because it was caused by the past. No. We are not like time. We may live bounded by it, but we have choices, we aren't pivoted and fated to go a certain path. We are given choices.  Hmm.. enough musings. They never end. Is there an end? If thought flows, who can explain how inspiration works? How  the light bulb hovering above our head suddenly lights. Or why it does not lights. Where do thoughts come from... 
*bish biSH!*  I should go do some other stuff.

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